Born to an angel
by onlyfreakingsuperhero
Summary: What if Amelia had different reason to go Seattle? Why she leaved her previous life and started with a clean slate? And what happend when she falling in love - with woman - but she can't break more hearts. And can Derek accept her little sister's destiny?
1. Epilogue: New life

**A/N** This is my first Grey's anatomy fanfiction and the same time the first story in English. English isn't my mother language, so I'm sorry of clerical errors. This is my fifth year when I study English in school. This story is very big achievement to me. I love writing and I'm very good at it in my own language which is Finnish.

I'm very big fan of Grey's Anatomy and Amelia Shepherd. I had loved this serie many years but this is the first time when I write fanfiction about it, so please don't judge me! I have hoped long time that Amelia and Arizona would be a real couple in the show, but that is not going to happen so I took reins in my own hands and started write this story. I hope I'm not the only one who have hoped that because I'm not a big fan of Amelia and Owen.

You can find this story in Tumblr too! My username is _onlyfreakingsuperhero_ so the same which I have here and my blog's name in there is _'Wild Roses'._ So go to follow me if you want! In Tumblr you can also ask me questions or go talk to me!

There's a link to my Tumblr: _._

Hope you guys like it!

 **\- Nipa**

 **Disclaimer:** Shonda Rhimes own Grey's anatomy, so everything belongs to her.

 **Re-written 29/4/2017**

* * *

 **Epilogue**

 _New_ _life_

* * *

Amelia Shepherd; usually very loud and fearless neurosurgeon sat quietly in waiting room of neurology department. Her blue eyes wandered restlessly around a room. Walls had painted with white and blue, this sedative combination, but in this situation it didn't calm her. Light shone from big windows and made a hospital look a little bit more desirable than it looked in Amelia's eyes today. She almost looked like a ghost with her pale skin and empty eyes. Her look was full of fear and sadness, when she nervously twiddled her dark red scarf which her brother had given her few years she was very steady nerved but this time she barely could keep it together. Her hands were sweaty and lump rose in her throat when she watched a beautiful silver ring on her left ring finger. It was her engagement ring which she had wore only a few months; since the day when James had proposed her. When everything was full of happiness and hope. Tears filled her blue eyes when she bit her pink lower lip and turned her head away from the ring. She squeezed her hand into the fist and sighed heavily. She maybe had to break his heart. Again she had to break her close one's heart. She had done it too many times and she wasn't sure if she could do it again. She just prayed that everything will be okay but deep inside her she had that feeling that she was wrong; very badly wrong about that. Almost everything depended on this doctor visit.

"Amelia Shepherd?" middle-aged man with shiny white jacket asked at the door of room 526. He had kind smile and deep brown eyes. That wasn't that man whl you expect to tell you the bad news. He could be a very nice person and a good doctor but right now he was the scariest people Amelia had ever seen. This reminded she about that doctor visit when she had been four-years-old. She'd had a influenza and she had scared a doctor more than anything because she had thought that she was going to die. But this time that scare was real; too real to even understand.

She swallowed the lump on her throat and stood up. Her legs were shaking and it felt like they can deceived in any second. She slowly walked step by step up to the doctor. She bit her lip nervously and shook doctor's hand weakly with her sweaty hand. She felt herself smaller and weaker than ever before in her life. She couldn't do or say anything; she couldn't intervene in her own destiny.

Amelia sat on a hard wooden chair next to a big oak desk. She blinked a room restlessly. Walls were clean white and there was a few brai posters on the walls. Everything was clean and systematic. Usually that made her feel good and familiar but now it was anything but that. It was anxiety and cruel. Then she took a good look at the doctor who had sat behind his oak desk. She saw this 'I'm sorry'- look in his eyes which every doctor – including her – gave to the patients when they had bad news. She took a deep breath and tried to get used about a thought about a tumor in her brain.

" _God, I'm a neurosurgeon. I know very well the symptoms of the brain tumor! I every day tell peoples that they have to go earlier to a treatment. And now I don't even follow my own directive"_ , she thought in her mind when first little tear drained on her cheek. She had tried keep her back but they just filled her eyes rapidly. She just wanted it to be over. She wanted her mom. She needed just someone to be next to her.

"So, last time you came up here we took CT-scan", the doctor explained professionally at the same time when he browsed distractedly Amelia's papers which were in a big sheaf.

"Yes I know. I'm neurosurgeon too and I know what these symptoms mean. Please, only tell me what kind of tumor it is and can we improve its", she said very seriously and rapidly. She didn't want wait any longer.

"Uh okay, it's very agressive glioblastoma. It's very big and advanced. It has almost reach an optic nerve", he said with sadly look in his eyes. Amelia froze in her place. She couldn't move. She couldn't think clearly. She just felt salty tears on her cheeks. Her eyes got redder and puffier than before she didn't want to cry but she couldn't help it at all.

"You mean that I'm going to die, right?" She asked with erratic voice and added carefully a question that she scared most "How much time I have?"

Doctor sighed heavily and said with compassion: "If you choose treatment you have about five months, because the tumor located near of the important area. We can remove only a minimal part of it and it is going to be very, very dangerous. You can lose your vision, or become deaf or at least you can die. But I still recommend it with cemo and radiation therapy if you want even a little bit more time with your family and friends."

Amelia played with her beautiful engagement ring and whiped her hot tears fastly away from her pinky cheeks before she asked quietly: "And without treatment I have? Two months? Three months?"

"In the best case you have four months, but at the end you will have very, very bad symptoms for example strong dizziness, eye shadows and motion management problems. If I say straight you are going to do slow death. It is going to be very difficult and painfull." Doctor said and tried to smile her sadly. "You can think few days before that the surgery is too risky to do."

"No" She said uncertainly. "I don't want treatment."

She wasn't sure if it was the right option but she didn't let anyone to touch her brain. At least she was going to dye so it didn't care at all. She just want live her last months without a scar on her head. She wanted to be free. She wanted to be alive. And that was what she was going to do her last months.

"Okay, then you are free to leave if you don't have any questions", Doctor said with surprise in his voice. His look was very symphatetic and Amelia appreciated that but right now she just wanted to be alone without those looks around her. But she had one question before she leaves. She wanted to see what was deep inside her head. What was the reason to her hopeless destiny.

"Mm, can I see CT scans?" Amelia asked carefully and looked at a grey floor nervously. She was scared to see the tumor which was in her head; destroying them right now.

"Yes, if you want" he replied wonderingly and turned to a computer side. Soon he showed her a scan of a big tumor. Amelia gasped shocked and covered her mouth with her hand. She had never seen this big brain tumor; brain cancer tumor actually. She couldn't realise that it was in her head! She was; or soon had been; neurosurgeon and she knew that any treatment in the world couldn't save her from this. Even her brother who was country's best neurosurgeon couldn't remove tumor like that. She was doomed to destruction.

Amelia noded little and took a long, deep breath before she turned her eyes to doctor who's eyes are full of pity. She hated saw pity in doctors eyes when they looked at their patients; but now she understood why they looked at patients with pity. She was going to die. This wasn't bad dream. She couldn't go to her parents' bed and let them comforted her – told her that it was only bad dream. But this was real life; cold and real life. She was going to die; roughly and painfully.

Amelia rapidly stood up. Her legs were weak and the lump in her throath was going to grow. She couldn't breath. She couldn't think. She barely could move. She went to the door step by step without saying a word.

"Thanks for your time, have a nice day!" was the last thing that she said to the doctor before she pushed a white door open and stepped to a big hallway.

"A blessed life to you!" She heard behind her and her lips turned a little sad smile. A blessed life was too much to ask. It was closer to blessed four months before she will fade away.

* * *

Amelia searched her car keys in her pockets with sweaty and shaking hands. Finally she found a little key from her grey jacket's right pocket. She unlocked her black car's doors and clumsily opened the car's door. She fastly jumped in her car to a soft chair. And then – she broke down. She pressed her face to her hands. Her eyes were already puffy and reddish but now they got puffier than ever. Tears fastly fell to her soft and warm cheeks like a big waterfall.

"No, no, this can't be real!" Amelia sobbed quietly. "Why me?"

A big circus of pictures was going on her little mind. What will her family think when they got a call where someone tell that she is dead? Or what pain she will cause to James? Will she see her little unicorn baby? Or Ryan? Was heaven real? Or was she going to hell? She saw all those options in her head. She could imaged what will happen. She could saw her mother crying on her grave which was wrought with purple and white wild flowers and white candles. Ryan with her little unicorn baby in the white room where everything was silent and comfortable; in heaven. Derek comforts his three remaining sisters in Amelia's room in their childhood home where everything looked almost same as always but there was a black and white photo of her and next to it was a little porcelain angel statue with a white candle which flame fluttered restlessly. And of course James. He was in their small apartment sitting on their bed which looked so empty without Amelia. His brown eyes were full on tears and sadness. He had lose his love of life. That picture scratched Amelia's heart very badly. Now it was sure; Amelia had to broke his heart. She couldn't watch his sadness and pain. She could't give more pain to him. James was so kind and caring; a perfect husband. He wanted babies; a big family with Amelia; but she could't give it to him. So maybe the best option was that she had to leave him. It was easier to just run away from him than explain how she was going to die and everything what they had plained was umnecessary and useless. He didn't deserve her; a woman with a big cancer tumor in her head. She had to travel away somewhere where no one couldn't find her. She needed space to breath; space to life her last months.

She pulled her now puffy face away from her hands. She almost couldn't stop crying but tear by tear she calmed a little bit. And soon her crying was just a memorie. She bit her lower lip and tried shape up a little bit. She had decide the rest of her life with honor; because she had to.

Amelia started the car determinedly and wiped away the last tears. She tried to smile her fake smile because she wanted to look happy and healthy but the performanve wasn't very convincing. She sniffled with weak sobs:"Maybe I haven't been created to be happy, but I want to be strong and even tried to be happy."

* * *

Amelia fastly ran cold stone stairs up to the third floor. She walked to the last door which was dark and made by wood. She put a little silver key in lock that was on the old door. The door clicked open smoothly and Amelia put the key back to her pocket. On the door was a text where read: 'Shepherd Peterson' on a little and shiny golden tile. She pulled the door open carefully and sounded if there was someone in home but their house was completely silent and empty.

She stopped sadly to watch their cozy apartment. It wasn't too big, there was couch and many pillows, little kitchen and big bedroom in there. The yellow wallpapers were little bit old and there wasn't a big TV but it was still very homely to her. She loved to be here. It was her safe place. Her home where she could be herself completely anf there was no one who could criticize what she did or didn't do. Their home was perfect to them; little and cozy.

Amelia rapdly woke up from her drems and realized how much the clock was. She had to be fast because James is coming home in an hour. So she ripped one white page from her purple notebook which had darker purple balls on it. Before she started write first tears filled her beautiful blue eyes. Tears fell to a white paper and made there big wet points everywhere. She started writing really carefully but soon words just come to the paper and there was a whole letter to her soon ex-fiànce.

 _Dear James_

 _At first, I love you. You should know that. But I have to go, althought I don't want, but I have to. You have to understand because if you don't I can't ever forgive to myself. Only think I want is have family with you, get married and be happy, but I can't now or never. Someday you are going to know why, but today isn't that day._

 _With love_

 _Amelia_

Amelia really hoped that James got clear of few last words because her hand had been shaking so much because she had sobbed so hard when she had written. She leaved the wet paper piece on a small kitchen table with her silver engagement ring on top of it. It was the saddest view in the times.

She clenched her hand in tight fists and swallowed a big lump from her sore throat. She had to do this. There wasn't any other options in there right now; this was the only way to survive. She turned around slowly and walked in their little bedroom.

There was a big bed with a beige counterpane and a few matching pillows. Smell of the room was so familiar it took back many good memories with it. She remembered those times when they were just lie here and James were held her tightly close to him. Those times when they had made love right here in this bed. Those times when they had eat here hamburgers and french fries. Those times when she had cried without restraint in his strong arms. Those happy but painfully memories.

"Now Amy, you have to just do this; right now, right here", she said to herself and closed her eyes for a second. She just breathed the smell of the room and let the memories filled her mind before she centralize to what she was doing.

Amelia took her red suitcase to their bed and opened it quickly. She just threw almost all her clothes in the suitcase roughly. Her eyes randomly hit the one oversized black t-shirt in the suitcase. It had belonged to Ryan; to her dead fiànce and father of her son who was also in his grave. At the same time she pointed a black jacket which was on her when she had the first real conversation with James over an year ago. These clothes had too much memories, painfully scars and sad moments. She couldn't keep them; not anymore when she had to forgot her old live almost completely. She could left these behind her. She could by new clothes with out any memories from somewhere where she was going to.

She leaved the opened suitcase on the big bed and walked slowly in the small living room. She grabbed her black bag from the grey couch. She walked to the door last time. She grabbed a cold door handle and was almost pushing it down. Before she pushed the door open she watched behind her once to their apartment. This was her old life. She had lived it many, many years. And now she had to start over, again. She hade to leave it all behind her. She sighed heavily and stepped reluctanly out of the door to her new and maybe a little bit short life.

Amelia stood in the empty hallway. She stared right in front of her to the outside. Kt was raining pretty hard. She thought where she could go. She didn't had many places nut this one which jumped in her mind. She sighed when she realised that this rainy weather will be her future almost every day because she had almost only one place to go.

She dug her phone out of her small bag and opened it wretchedly. She searched a phone number of the airport rapidly and push a call key ponderously. Her phone alarmed few times before a nice airport receptionist answered the phone. Amelia sighed and asked kindly: "Hi, I would like to book one airline ticket to Seattle to tonight's flight, please?"


	2. Chapter one: Big brother

**A/N** There is chapter one! I really hope you guys like it! And thank you for your reviews they really encourage me to continue this story!

Hope you guys like it!

 **\- Nipa**

 **Disclaimer:** Shonda Rhimes owns Grey's anatomy, so everything belongs to her!

* * *

 **Chapter one**

 _Big brother_

* * *

It was one of those rare sunny days in Seattle. Amelia looked at beautiful Seattle which spread in front of her. This was actually what she needed right now. She closed her blue eyes and that depressed face changed to the her brightest smile. Then she took a deep breath and sniffed yesterday's refreshingly rain.

"What make you smile like that?" Friendly voice asked behind her.

Amelia slowly opened her now joyfully shining eyes. She watched the blonde woman who was appeared next to her.

"Maybe I'm just happy", Amelia responded and looked at Arizona which also smiled.

"Not just 'maybe', you're happy", Arizona said when she smiled to Amelia.

"I see it in your eyes because they are shining like blue diamonds", Arizona blurted accidentally.

Amelia could saw when her cheeks turned to red before she turn away from her.

"I have been here only a month but this place starting to feel more like home every day", Amelia continued the conversation before it went very awkward.

* * *

 _ **A month ago**_

 _It was very rainy and windy night when Amelia's cab turned into Derek's big yard. Amelia quickly paid to the nice cabby and threw her bag on her shoulder. She looked at her phone's clock. It's half past eleven and she hoped that even someone was awake._

 _"Gosh, why I didn't take my umbrella!" Amelia cursed when she tried protected against hard rain._

 _She tried ran to the big porch before she was soaking wet, but suddenly she slipped in the mud pool. Her clothes were full of wet mud as her hands and face too. She gasped when she felt pungent pain in her left ankle._

 _"That this still lacked", she snorted when she stood up and continued her walk to the house._

 _She didn't saw any lights inside of the house. She sighed frustratingly and knocked the big door. No any sign of response. She rolled her eyes and stubbornly knocked the door. She couldn't be outside the whole night. She knocked one more time, but to her surprise she didn't have response. Amelia just flowed down along the wet wall. She started quietly sobbed and she felt when her tears mixed with mud on her cheeks._

 _Maybe after five minutes Amelia could hear steps inside of the house. She thought that she misheard but soon the door open and she heard when her brother yelled: "Amy! What the hell are you doing there middle of the night?"_

 _Amy couldn't response and anon she felt her brother's hand on her wet shoulder when he kneeled down next to him._

 _"Shh Amy, everything is fine. I'm here you are going to be okay", he whispered in her ear and he hugged her tightly._

 _Amy felt when her brother lifted her up carefully. And carried her in the warm house._

* * *

"Amelia!" Little bit taller woman almost yelled to her.

"Your pager!"

"Oh, I was in my thoughts!" Amelia expressed surprise and looked at her pager. It was her brother and she had to go.

"I'm sorry Arizona, I have to go!" She yelled behind her when she ran along the corridor.

"Okay! Can we go to the lunch some day or something?" Arizona exclaimed behind the brunette, but Amelia didn't hear she anymore.

Arizona sighed disappointed when Amelia disappeared away her field of vision. She looked to the green trees one more time and smiled hopefully: She is going to asks her out – maybe not now – but someday.

* * *

Amelia ran along congested hallway. There was a huge car accident near the hospital, so that meant a lot of head traumas and difficult surgeries. She turned to the smaller corridor because it was faster route to the ER.

Suddenly Amelia started felt so dizzy. She took a support of the adjacent wall. She leaned against the wall few second but dizzy feeling sonly got stronger. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly, before she sat on the hard floor, back against the cold wall. Amelia pulled her knees against her chest and pull her head against them. She rocked herself back and forth. Amelia felt so helpless, because she was a doctor, but she couldn't even help herself. She only could wait.

* * *

Derek looked at her clock and frowned. Amy was supposed to be here about ten minutes ago. He started being worry about her little sister, usually Amy always responded his pages.

"Dr. Shepherd!" Wilson yelled, "There is few head traumas in the way."

"Page on call neurosurgeon!" Derek retorted to Wilson.

"You are on call, Shepherd", she responded and rolled her eyes.

"Page someone else Wilson! I have more important things to do", he said and walked out of ER. Soon Derek felt the familiar hand on her shoulder. He quickly turned around and met her wife's light blue eyes.

"I heard when you yelled in ER. Is everything okay?" Meredith asked worried.

"Amy never responded my page. I'm just worry about her, that's all", Derek said and rubbed her head.

"Wilson page Dr. Anders, you can go look for your sister, Derek. She is going to be okay, I promise", Meredith said and look up to her husbend.

"Amy has been so quietly and sensitive lately. She isn't my fearless and loud sister. I always hoped that she would be the little one, quiet and safe. But now I don't even know her. Something in her is changed", Derek explained with sad look in his eyes.

"Go and find your little sister", Meredith said and give a quickly kiss on Derek's cheek. Derek smiled a little bit before he disappeared in hospital's corridors.

* * *

 _ **The night when Amy came to Seattle**_

 _Derek heard subdued on the door. He slowly sat up, tried not to wake his blissfully sleeping wife. Smile turn on his lips and he kissed Meredith's forehead carefully. He put on his robe and sleepily stood up. He stretched even before he walked to the living room_

" _Who is on the outside this weather?" He wondered himself when he watched out of the big window._

 _He walked to the big door and heard quietly sobs behind it. He can recognized those sobs. Derek opened the door carefully that wind couldn't take it. First he only pointed a little muddy blob next to the door. In this moment he knew that blob was his little sister._

 _"Amy! What the hell are you doing there middle of the night?" Derek yelled to his little sister who sobs quietly in their porch._

 _Amy didn't responded and Derek kneeled down next to her. His eyes melted when she look at her little sister. Derek always looked his little sister in the way she looked at his children – eyes full of love and care._

 _"Shh Amy, everything is fine. I'm here you are going to be okay", Derek whispered in Amy's ear when he transferred few muddy locks away from his little sister's face. Then he wrapped his strong arms around Amy. She felt so little in his arms. When Derek pulled out to the hug he saw that Amy held her left ankle. He look in the Amy's blue eyes – exactly the same as his. He stroking Amy's cheek which was covered by mud – as almost the whole woman was._

 _Derek lifted Amy up and carried her inside. He fell her into the big couch. And helped Amy to take her jacket off. He saw how Amy was shaking._

" _Wait a minute I get you something warm", then he spotted Meredith, who watched them and leaned to the kitchen table. Derek saw the wonderment in his wife's eyes._

" _Can you watch her a few minutes?" Derek quickly asked._

 _Blonde nodded and sat next to Amelia who sat on the couch with a blank look in her eyes. Derek go to their dark bedroom and tried put lights on, but they didn't work._

"Shit! _" He snorted and put his phone's flashlight on. She took his big old sweater and Mer's sweatpants. Then he walked back to living room._

" _We don't have electricity", Derek said to Meredith who rolled her eyes with deep sigh._

" _You can go sleep if you want. You have early morning and I manage with Amy", he said and look at his wife._

" _Thanks", she whispered and gave him a quick but lovely kiss on lips._

 _Derek undressed Amy's muddy clothes and realized how skinny she was. Her ribs were visible through the skin and her face were narrowed. Derek thread his grey sweater over his little sister's head. It was oversized but warm and Amy didn't shake no longer. He helped her put Mer's black sweatpants on her feet._

" _I look your ankle, okay?" Derek asked and looked at Amy's tired eyes. Her left ankle was really swollen and a little bit warm. Derek sought an ice bag and put it into towel. He fell it to the swollen ankle._

 _There was awkward silent, but then Derek carefully asked: "Why you come here?"_

" _We broke up – I broke up with him", Amy said with monotonous voice and one tear fell on her cheek. Derek sat next to her and pull her into brotherly hug. Amy started sob against Derek's shoulder._

" _You can stay here as long you want", he whispered before Amy pull out to the hug._

" _I go to pick up the bandage", Derek said and ruffled Amy's dark curls._

 _When Derek went back, he bound Amy's ankle carefully._

" _It will heal in a few weeks", Derek said and lifted Amy up. He felt when she clung to his shirt tightly. Derek smiled a little when he carried Amy to the guestroom. He dropped her in the bed carefully. Then he covered his baby sister with few blankets._

 _Derek kneeled down next to her bed and stroked her curls with few fingers._

" _Derek", Amy said and she sounded so more younger than she was._

" _What it is, Amy?" Derek asked concerned._

" _You know that I love you, right?" Amy asked and look straight in to her big brother's blue eyes._

" _Of course I know, Amy. You are little bit goofy sometimes", He said with big smile on his lips._

" _Good night, Amy", Derek whispered and was ready to go, but he felt urgent compression on her hand._

" _Please, stay", Amy pleaded quietly._

" _Okay, okay, I will stay with you", Derek agreed._

 _He watched how his little sister slithered into dream world and she slowly let go of his hand._

" _I love you, little Hurricane", Derek whispered and kissed Amy's forehead gently._

* * *

Derek was looking for Amelia like half hour. He frustratingly grope his hairs. He knew that Amy was adult woman and could take care of herself, but until the end of the world he saw her as his small five year old little sister. Derek had promised to protect Amy – _forever._ Derek loves her little sister like hell and he didn't know what to do if something happen to her.

Derek turned to the next corridor and saw Amy sat against the cold wall.

"Amy!" Derek shouted and ran to her. "Are you okay?" He asked concerned and lifted her jaw up.

"I just began to felt faint. I didn't eat breakfast before I went to work, that's all", she said and look at the floor.

"Okay then, I can get you something if you want?" Derek responded skeptical, because he'd seen when Amy's took breakfast – Bread with salad, cheese and cucumber – as always.

"You don't have to Derek! Really, I'm okay!" She retorted to her overprotective big brother. Then she rose to staggering up from the floor.

"I can give you a day off, if you need? You've been through a lot", Derek tried to persuade his sister to tell what's wrong.

"I'm fine!" She yelled mad and rolled her blue eyes. "I have work to do, so you can leave me alone! You aren't my brother into work, so you don't have to take care of me and besides I can do it on my own."

He knows that Amy wasn't okay, but she was so stubborn and if she didn't want tell something to her brother – she didn't tell, it was sure. Derek shrugged and watched when her little sister just walk away.


	3. Chapter two: Not your fault

**A/N** Sorry about long waiting! I've been very busy with my school things so I don't have very much time to write. I feel like I'm flashback addict or something – I just love them because Amelia's history is so interesting. Tell me what you think about it, because I can reduce them if you want.

Hope you guys like it!

 **\- Nipa**

 **Disclaimer:** Shonda Rhimes own Grey's anatomy, so everything belongs to her!

* * *

 **Chapter two:**

 _Not your fault_

* * *

Amelia almost could feel Derek's eyes which were full of worry. She knew very well that if she looked behind her she begin to cry. She couldn't even think how she have to break one of her loved ones heart – again. Derek had always been the strong one. He was able to their father's death better than anyone in Shepherd's family. He had always been the golden boy. He had protected Amelia, his sisters and their mom. He was just _perfect_ – and everybody knew that. But Amelia wasn't sure, could even Derek deal with thing like that. She didn't want destroyed anyone's life – she had done it too much.

She felt when warm tear rolled down on her cheek. She sniffled sadly when second tear leaked after the first one – then the third and the fourth. She watched around nervously because she didn't want anybody's saw her like this. Then Amelia heard footsteps around the corner. She bit her lower lip and tried find some place to hide. Her eyes met light brown door front of her. Amelia sighed with relief when she spotted 'Supply closet'- sign next to the door. She quickly open the door and slinked in the very small supply closet.

In that second tears burst out to her eyes like waterfall. Amelia just tumbled against the shelves. She sobbed pretty loudly although she tried to be quiet. She felt like her lungs would failed in every second. She tried to took deep breaths but her respiratory just get irregular breath by breath. Amelia were hyperventilating.

' _Deep breath in. And out. In. And out – just breath like you do every single day'_ She tried tell to herself but it didn't seem to help any.

She couldn't breath. She had felt like this before – very, very long time ago, but then her dad had been here. Now she was _alone._

* * *

 _ **Almost thirty years ago**_

 _It was beautiful sunny day. Shepherd family's kids played in the big back yard. There was happy noises in there. Barbeque food smelled so tasty. Everyone seemed very happy. But still there was quiet cry._

 _There – under the their outdoor stairs – sat little girl. She had perfect deep blue eyes – inherited from his father – and dark long curls which fell to her chest. Her usually bright beaming face was so upset. Her blue eyes stared to the muddy ground in front of her. She sniffled indifferently. Her slender knees brushed up a little bit. She heard how happily her siblings played football – big kids play. Lonely tear fell to her pink t-shirt._

" _Kids, take a little break and come eat!" Tall handsome man with wonderful hairs yelled happily to her kids. He was Christopher Shepherd – father of five children. He watched when his three daughter and only son – who looked completely same as his father – ran to the their big table, which was under the big parasol. They looked so happy and pleased. He waited that his youngest appeared on screen. He frowned concerned when he didn't see his little girl anywhere._

" _Do you know where's Amy is?" He asked and looked at his lovely wife – mother of his kids._

" _Nope, I haven't seen her after we started play football" Nancy – eldest of his daughters- said and shook her head uncertainly. She had very repentant look in her brown eyes._

" _Yep, she left after that!" Liz assured._

" _Did we have to go look for her? She can't be far away", his son Derek said with worry._

" _You can stay and start eating. I look for Amy. She is probably hiding somewhere", Christopher said._

" _-as always", Kate sighed exasperation._

" _Kathleen! Don't talk like that about your little sister! She is only four, you are so old that you can understand it", Carolyn scolded to her daughter._

" _Sorry mom, she is just annoying sometimes", she said and rolled her eyes and looked at Liz who rolled her eyes too._

" _Hey, peace! Kate, we all know that Amy find out annoying sometimes, because she is younger than you but we can't do anything to that. And you can't either do anything to the that fact; you are her big sister." Their father said with demanding voice, "But now I should go to find her."_

 _Christopher walked around their big yard and yelled his youngest name. He anxiety grope his dark hair. Amy always been capricious and lively kid. Sometimes she didn't think before she did things. His worst nightmare was that something happened to her little girl._

 _He stood middle of the yard and look around. Then he heard quietly cry which came to the front yard. He quietly walked to the front yard. He saw his little girl who pulled her knees up to her chest. Her cheeks were already red and tears filled on her blue eyes._

 _Christopher fast ran to her daughter. He kneeled down next to Amy who threw herself to her father's neck._

" _Amy, what happened?" Christopher asked and rocked his little girl softly in his arms._

" _I just want play with others", she mumbled with a broken voice._

" _Shh, I know little girl", he said and had stroked her messy hair._

" _Then Nancy said that I'm too young to play with them – as always, because football is big kid's play", Amy explained, "But I wanted play with them so badly that Derek gave me a change – he is the best big brother!"_

" _Yes, he is", Christopher said and smiled a little bit. He was so proud of his only son._

" _But then Katy tripped me and I fell right in the mud poll. Nancy, Kathleen and Lizzie only laughed to me", Amy continued and tears ran from her eyes, "Why they hate me?"_

 _Christopher's heart almost stopped when he heard that sentence came out from her four years old daughter's mouth. He shook his head and felt how anger grew inside him._

 _Amy felt like all air escaped her lungs. She didn't want to be hated, she just wanted the approval from her sisters. She started breathing faster and faster. She squeezed her fathers neck tightly._

" _Everything is okay Amy. Just breath in and out slowly. In. And out." He reassured his little dark haired girl. Amy did what his father told. 'Breath in and out. Slowly and deeply.' – She repeated inside her head again and again. She calmed down a little bit and curled up to her father's chest. He just held her tightly against his chest._

" _Amy look, they don't hate you – you have to know that. All of us love you, you're our little Amy. And anything or anyone can't change that."_

* * *

Amelia's father was dead when she was five. There wasn't anyone who could calmed her down like he had done. She sat on supply closet's small floor. She carefully leaned her back against shelves. She felt awful – very, very awful. She needed someone. Someone who could just hold her, rock her and just love her – completely.

* * *

Arizona turned around the corner. Her shoes clopped to hospital's hard floor. Her eyes were very tired and there was big eye bags under her blue eyes. She sighed frustratingly and rolled her eyes, when her pager beeped annoyingly. One minute alone – Was it too much to ask?

She spotted supply closet door a short distance away. This was her change. She quickly looked around and half ran to the door. She grabbed to the cold door handle and push it open. She huffed with relief and almost arrived her eyes shut. She leaned her back to the door and relaxed.

Then Arizona heard rapid breathing with awful sobbing right next to her. She wasn't alone and situation was a little bit awkward. Her eyes flew open when she looked down next to her.

Dark curls and white jacket – her crush. Head of neurosurgery sat next to her and sobbed very awful. Arizona didn't know what to do. She just stared Amelia Shepherd complete surprise. She blinked her blue eyes when she realized that she had to do something, - she can't just stood there and watched when Amelia cried.

Arizona kneeled down next to blue eyed girl. She was so speechless. She was so into this amazing woman – she wasn't scared, but there was a feeling in her stomach. The same feeling that you feel when you occurred in your school's show – tension, in a good way. There was like thousand butterflies in her stomach when she carefully frapped her arms around shorter woman.

A cold shiver went down her back when Amelia leaned her head to Arizona's shoulder. Smile rose to blonde's light pink lips. She leaned her head on the brunette's head. She felt how Amelia's breath came faster and Arizona tighter her extract.

"I just c-can't", she sobbed to taller woman's shoulder quietly, "I can't ruin everyone's life like I ruin my own."

"You don't ruin everyone's life, Amelia", Arizona whispered, "You make my life better than it ever had been."

Amelia bit her lower lip and started hyperventilating. Arizona's eyes were full of pity. Amelia was wonderful woman, talented neurosurgeon, loving sister, fair colleague and just the most amazing person that she had met.

"Arizona, I-I can't breath!" Amelia gasped anxious.

"Amelia, look at me", Arizona said softly.

She lifted Amelia's chin up carefully. Blue met blue. Arizona fascinated to brunette's magical blue eyes. Her thumb brushed shorter woman's red cheek. Arizona's heart bounded in her chest, when she looked brunette. Her eyes found their way to Amelia's light red lips. She touched them affectionately.

This second when the other woman touched her, she felt like she could fly. When her blue eyes met her lighter eyes , breathing came easier and easier. She carefully moved closer to blonde. Amelia took her right hand to the blonde curls. Then she opened her lips a little bit.

Arizona's stomach was full of butterflies, when she softly pressed her lips against brunette's. Amelia's lips were soft and they tasted like strawberries. It felt like she experienced her first kiss again. Kiss was very smoothly and carefully but still full of passion. She put her hand behind Amelia's neck and deepened the kiss.

Amelia didn't notice anything around them. She just felt Arizona's soft lips against her. Her hand searched its way to the Arizona's back. Every inch of her body was full of tension – in a good way.

Then Amelia realized; she couldn't do that. She couldn't break Arizona's heart. It was like cold wind which blew straight to her face. Precipitately she broke the kiss. She could saw bewilderment in Arizona's eyes.

Arizona carefully tried put her hand on hers, but Amelia just took her hand away. Glimmer in blonde's eyes slowly passed out, when she realized what had happened.

"Just don't –", Amelia sighed helplessly.

"Did I hurt you or something?" Arizona whispered gingerly.

"No! I just can't do this. This isn't your fault, believe me", Amelia said and swallowed the lump on her throat, "You are amazing and I really, really like you – but I can't do this."

Arizona sadly watched how younger woman swallowed her tears before she stumbled up quickly. Amelia push the door open and step to the corridor. Arizona just stared the closed door expressionless. She failed – again. She failed with Callie and now with Amelia. Before she had been really good with women. She was good looking, in perfect age and she was doctor – perfect wife. But still she was alone – maybe forever.

She erased her tears to her white coat. Amelia was 'just _a woman'_ among many others – that was how Arizona tried thought, but most of the time she can't. Amelia wasn't _'just a woman'_ to her. To her she was sun shine. Her smile made her days better. She was charming personality, plus her perfect dark curls, shiny blue eyes full of kind and happiness and of course her soft and smooth lips. She was just – perfect, to her.

* * *

Amelia grabbed her black bag and turned around quickly – so quickly that she almost smash against her blonde sister-in-law. Amelia gave her a quick smile and tried slipped through the door, but the tight extract stopped her. She sighed deeply.

"Where are you going so hurry, that you couldn't even greet?" Meredith snapped and looked at younger woman with interrogative eyes.

"Mm, Derek said – actually insisted – me to go home and get some rest, so for once I decided to my big brother's advice", she said anxious and gave Meredith a pretty credible fake smile.

"Okay, I'll tell Derek", older woman said and gave her a pity smile, "But Amelia, you know you can tell everything to your brother. He is very worried about you."

"Yeah, I know, but I don't have nothing to hide", Amelia lied.

"You know that it's lie. You maybe be able to fool him, but not me. I know that you hide something – something big. And you can't hide it forever. This was just the advice", Meredith said with serious face.

Amelia bit her lower lip and watched how Meredith turned around. Her heart was racing faster and faster. She had to tell to her brother. She couldn't hide this anymore – maybe few days, but not more. Few happy days and then her world was going to fall apart – again.


	4. Chapter three: Old nightmares

**A/N** I'm sorry about long update interval! **  
**

Hope you guys like it!

 **\- Nipa**

 **Disclaimer:** Shonda Rhimes owns Grey's Anatomy, so everything belongs to her!

* * *

 **Chapter three**

 _Old nightmares_

* * *

Sky become darker and gloomier moment by moment. Rain drops slowly fell to dream house's big porch. Everything started look so lusty and fresh when rain washed away all dust and dirty. It made plants look so green and made sun shine brighter. Slim brunette hoped that rain can do the same thing to her. But her eyes looked so apathetic and blank. Before they had been so vivid and shiny, like sapphires. Her skin was so pale and lifeless too. Bags under her blank eyes were bigger than few weeks ago and her hair were seedy. Her collarbones and ribs gleamed from under her skin.

Amelia sit on her big brother's grey couch wrapped up in few blankets. She was shaking and her skin was paler than usual. And in her delicate hand she had few white pills. The pills were meant to be helping symptoms of the brain tumor. She looked them with uncertainty and bit her peeled lower lip. Amelia hadn't even thought about taking them; before this evening. She sighed heavily. This was the first time in many years when she was taking any kind of pills.

" _You have to do this. This isn't using. These pills just relieve your symptoms. You don't do anything wrong",_ she instigated to herself.

Amelia threw the pills in her mouth and took a sip of water. Then she wrapped blankets up tighter around her fragile body. She squeezed an empty bag of pills in her hand. She could almost feel how poisons of the pills started spread in her veins; she started feel herself little bit tangled but peaceful. She slowly closed her tired and anxiety eyes and fell to sleep on Derek's warm and safe couch.

* * *

Derek searched his home's key in his jacket's pockets. His mind wandered anxiety to his sister and then his wife, kids and patients. He should be happy because everything was okay. He had amazing wife, kids and he lived in his dream house. But Derek felt that something was wrong; he just know that.

Derek put the silver key in the lock and big door opened. He felt how warm air beamed in his house. He took his jacket quickly off and hung it in the rack next to door. When he recognized a little pile of blankets and heard peacefully snuffle inside of it, the sad smile rose on his lips.

He quietly stepped next to his little sister whose brunette locks cover her peaceful face. She looked so innocent and vulnerable when she slept. He moved few feeble wisp of hair on her face and put them behind her ear. Amelia mumbled something about sickness in her sleep. She tried to pull more blanket upon her. Derek just smiled to his sisters acting.

But his smile faded away rapidly when he noticed a little transparent plastic bag in Amelia's hand. He exactly knew what it was. Amelia squeezed it against her chest tightly. Derek looked how his sister's chest rose and fell at same rhythm as her respiratory because he scared that it could stop at any time. A lump rose in his throat when the night when Amelia had overdosed started repeating in his mind again and again.

Color fell off of Derek's and cold sweat slip on his pale forehead. Only thing that he can imaged was his lifeless, motionless little sister on their childhood home's bathroom's floor. Her face had been deadpan and there hadn't been any sign of his exuberant little sister. He remember how his muscles had frozen. His heart had raced faster than ever. How he only could watched Amy which had lain on the floor lifeless and _dead._ It had been one of the scariest moment in his life. It had been the same feeling what he had experienced when Meredith had almost drowned. When she hadn't swum. When Amy hadn't thought what she was going to do.

He had been so angry, scared and broken when he had realized what had happened. It had happened to _his_ little sister. He had seen those things of course because he was a doctor but he never couldn't even imaged that it happened in their family. Things like it never happened to Shepherd's family; never before Amy.

Derek woke up to his thoughts. He couldn't let it happen again. So he imperceptibly took the plastic bag from Amelia. He bit his lip and rapidly put it in his pocket. He was making sure that Amelia was getting clean; now and later. He don't let her screw up this.

* * *

Derek sat on edge of their bed. His eyes were red and swollen and his hair were messy. He looked so old when anxiety reflect from his face. He could feel the plastic bag in his pocket. Shivers went up to his spine when he only thought about it.

His phone felt so cold in his sweaty hand when he browsed the phone's contacts. He nervously searched his mom's number. He hoped so much that he would hadn't do this. He didn't want shock his mother – again. Last times had been enough to her and Derek scared that she; or anyone couldn't take it this time.

Derek pressed a call button with shaky hands. It felt like forever- although it was only few second- before he heard heart warming and familiar voice which he had missed.

" _Hi Darling!"_

"Umm, hi mom", Derek responded very anxiety.

" _Are you okay, Derek? You sound so tired!"_ Carolyn Shepherd asked worried.

"Nothing! Everything is great!" Derek almost yelled when he lied to his mom.

" _You are lying, Derek. You know that yourself",_ Carolyn cut off her son.

"Okay, okay! Calm down, mom!" Derek pacified Carolyn and add seriously: "You should maybe sit down."

" _Is it Meredith? Or Zola?"_ Carolyn said with shaky voice.

"Amy", Derek let out, "It is Amy."

" _That what I scared of",_ Carolyn almost cried, _"How bad is it?"_

"I found her in our sofa recently. She had a plastic bag; empty plastic bag. He was nauseous today at work so I told her to go home. I should be more attentive! It is my fault, Mom!", Derek spluttered quietly when tears fell on his red cheeks.

" _Derek! Darling, listen! It isn't your fault, believe me."_ Carolyn tried comfort her only son.

"She was okay! She looked like it. But I should known that she wasn't okay!" Derek cried to Carolyn.

" _You are only human, darling",_ Older Shepherd told with motherly voice to her son.

"But I'm her big brother!", Derek sounded so helpless, "I promise to dad. I promise to keep her save. _I promise,_ mom!"

" _Shh, it's okay, it's okay. Everything will be okay"_ , Carolyn said sadly and hoped that she could be with her son. She just want hug him tightly.

"What can I do?" Derek sobbed to phone and hoped that he didn't rouse his little sister who sleep in sofa blissfully unaware of anything.

" _I will come there",_ she note instinctively to her son.

"No, you don't have to!" Derek shocked.

" _I want to, so I will be there tomorrow, okay?"_ Carolyn sought.

"Um, okay", Derek agreed unwillingly.

"Okay then. Will you watch after your sister for a little while?" she asked like Amelia would've been five years old.

"Yes, I can and I will. Good night, mom!" Derek replied tiredly.

"Good night, darling. See you tomorrow!" Carolyn cooed, with concerned sigh.

Derek groped his hair and ended the call. _'Everything was going to be okay. Amy will be okay. She have to be!"_ he reassured himself _._

* * *

 _ **The night after their dad's death.**_

 _A dark haired boy with magical blue eyes sat edge of his big bed. He watched sadly out of a big window. The stars and the moon were shining so brightly. House was so quiet. Everyone was sleeping; except Derek. He couldn't just sleep; not tonight. The day's proceedings just repeated inside his little mind; again and again._

 _His father have shot in front of he and his little sister. It was too much to them; too much to kids. Anyone don't deserve to see when their parent die. Only thing that he could imaged was his dad who just lay cold and dead in his store's wood floor._

 _Derek tried hold his tears back; despite efforts one lonely tear fell to his pale cheek. He didn't even try wipe it away. He just watch the stars and hoped all of his heart that his father was watching him. He had never believed to the God or anything because his mother was nurse and he knew what happened when people died. The color fell of their faces and their hearts stopped, he knew that but tonight he wanted believe that his dad was in heaven; watching them._

 _Soon he heard low whisper to room's door. It was a little bit ajar and he could recognized his little sister's silhouette. She looked so small; her shoulders were hutched and her hair was messed up. She dangled her pink and fluffy unicorn toy - which Derek had given to her - in her little hand._

" _Amy, what's wrong?" Derek asked brotherly._

" _I miss dad", she said and Derek could heard how her voice cracked._

" _Come here", Derek suggested and patted the spot next to him._

 _Amy shyly walked next to his bed and waited that her big brother helped her on his bed. Derek wrapped his arm around little girl. Amy curled up next to him and grabbed his shirt tightly._

" _Do you think that he still love us?", Amy queried from her big brother._

" _Yes, I do. He love us forever, he just isn't here", Derek explained and bit his lip when he tried stay calm._

" _Where he is?" Amy wondered and looked up to her brother. Their blue eyes met and little Amy could told that her brother was on the verge of weeping._

" _He is in the heaven", Derek told to Amy, "And he is watching us every second."_

" _Even now?" She questioned her brother._

" _Of course!" He said and pointed the brightest star in the dark night sky, "He is right there. Watching us right now, believe me."_

" _Does he protect us?" Amy asked confused._

" _Um, I don't know. But I will protect you now and forever, Amy. Remember it", Derek whispered in her ear and stroked her messy hair._

" _I love you, Derek", Amy peeped before she fell a sleep right in her protective big brother's arms._

" _I love you too, Amy", Derek cooed to his little sister who sleep peacefully in his arms and placed a kiss on her forehead._


	5. Chapter four: Talk about it

**A/N:** I'm finally back! I've had so much to do recently so I haven' had so much time to write. But now I have so much inspiration and I hope that you can see it in the text.

I read former chapters a few days ago and I almost laughed because the text was so bad. I think that I've improved a little bit from where I started many months ago. So I thought that I could rewritten them some day! What do you say about that? And do you guys think that I'm improved at least a little bit?

And I wanna thank all of you that you have read that story! It gives me so much inspiration. I never even thought that my story could have that many readers, reviews and follows. I know I'm not even nearly to perfect but I'm still proud of my self because I've leave stories unfinished too many times so I hope that I get to the end this story.

But I don't waffle more! So thank you so much about that you even opened this story!

Hope you guys like it!

- **Nipa**

 **Disclaimer:** Shonda Rhimes owns Grey's Anatomy, so everything belongs to her!

* * *

 **Chapter four**

 _Talk about it_

* * *

The first rays of the sun rose slowly from the east and painted Seattle with gold. Birds were chirping and trees were humming so soothingly. Everything just seemed very happy and peaceful. The rain clouds had just disappeared like they had never been even existed. The air smelled so fresh and it brought some hope with it which brightened everyone's mind. The day was perfect and peoples had noticed that and bright smiles shone on their faces like midsummer's sun. Also one young neurosurgeon had noticed that the day was one of the most beautiful that she had ever seen.

Amelia lay in the grey couch and a beautiful smile rose on her dry and peeled lips. She didn't even open her eyes, she just enjoyed the moment with her whole soul. The sun shone between a blind and striped her back with golden stripes. It made her skin look healthier and more vital than in many month. She felt how the sun warmed every inch of her fragile body which had wrapped in various blankets.

Finally she opened her blue eyes which matched with the early morning's sky. They were shining and looked so fervent. This was one of these moments when she felt like she wasn't sick. In those moments no one couldn't even guess what she was hiding; she looked healthy and happy like everyone expected. She was surprised that no one, even Derek, wasn't noticed the dark bags under her eyes, her pale skin or her ribs which was visible to under her skin. It was because she was very good actress or worse option; no one cared about her.

Amelia looked at her hands. They were almost white; like they had been ghost's. They looked so fragile as they would made of glass. She bit her peeled lower lip and tried hold her tears but still one of them escaped to her soft cheek. It fell from her chin to the beige blanket and made a little wet point on it. Then the second wet point and the third.

She was scared; really scared. She didn't want to die. She wanted live old with the love of her life. She wanted see how her kids grow up. She wanted laugh, feel passion, fail and fall, get up again. She wanted see everything. She had told to herself that everything was alright; except that she was going to die in a few months. But now she was scared. She had realized that the tumor was going to take her life. It was going to kill her. It wasn't going to be beautiful. At the first she was going to lose her memory, then she would become blind and then she was going to just slip away. And doctors will pumped her full of drugs.

Drugs. The plastic bag. " _Where was it?"_ she thought when she couldn't find it next to her. The anxiety grew up in Amelia's chest. If someone will find it she will be in problems; very bad problems. Everyone thought that she plus that kind of plastic bag mean that she has fell off the wagon again. She couldn't explained it without telling the truth; that was the last thing she wanted do.

Amelia threw pillows and blankets to the floor. " _It had to be here. It couldn't be far away",_ she thought inside her head. She had kept it against her when she had fallen asleep. Amelia frowned in puzzlement. She could swear that it had been here; in her hand. Then she realized. Derek. She had felt her big brother's gently touch just before she had fallen asleep. She didn't want believe it. Before she couldn't think more she heard loud footsteps behind her back and heard how the familiar voice asked gently:

"What are you looking for?"

"Nothing. I just fell of the couch!" Amelia stammered uncertainly and avoided the eye contact with her brother who was standing right behind her.

She felt her self so numb and helpless when she just sat on the wooden floor like a child and could sense the accusation in the air.

"That doesn't look like it", Derek pointed out seriously, "And anyway, you had never fell of the bed. Even when you saw nightmares you just screamed bad so loud that everyone in the house woke up!" he continued and a sad smile visited in his lips.

"Mm, okay I have to grant! Fine, I lost my keys and I'm going to be late if I don't find them", she improvised to Derek and hoped that it sounds naturally.

"Your keys are on the table by the way. And your shift started at 9am not at 7am, am I right?" Derek questioned at the drop of a hat.

"I have so much paper works! So I thought that I could go early and do them before my shift starts!" Amelia lied desperately and caught the keys on the table.

"Amy, I know that you're lying", Derek sighed and after that Amelia could hear the well-known sound of the plastic bag, "Is that what you're looking for?"

Amelia slowly turned around to face her brother's very seriously and disappointed face. He was holding the little plastic bag and he put in Amelia's fragile hand. Shivers went down to her spine when the bag touched her skin. This was what she had scared the most.

"Does this look familiar?" Derek asked as he bit his lower lip with anxiety.

Amelia carefully created her eyes to her brothers almost angry face. The lump rose in her throat and she could feel her heartbeat which was faster than normally. Her hands got sweatier when she rolled the plastic bag in her hands.

"Derek, don't get me wrong. It's not what it looks like", Amelia spluttered out and bit her lip so hard that she could taste the blood in her mouth.

"What should I think about this?" Derek retorted angrily, "Should I just ignore that recovering addict has an empty drug bag? Is that what you think?"

"Let me explained!" Amelia yelled desperately, "I'm sober, Derek. I swear!"

"It's hard to believe", he said and rolled his blue eyes.

"I don't fall off the wagon!" Amelia almost cried sadly, "I'm sick Derek! You have to believe me, please."

Derek didn't seem even noticed the last sentence. He just shook his head and watched Amelia with disappointment. There was bottomless sadness in his eyes when he just thought what her sister had gone to do again. Amelia had caused too much pain to her brother, mom and everyone around her. Derek couldn't let her cause more pain to her close ones.

"I called mom last night", Derek blurted out seriously, "She is coming here today. I make sure that you're going to explain this to her."

Amelia's jaw dropped immediately. She didn't need to confuse their mother in this. The salty tears fell on her cheeks when she watched incredulously Derek's back when he walked to the door and don't even had a look behind.

The door thud echoed grimly in the room after Derek had left. Amelia watched sadly the door which blurred second by second when tears filled her sad eyes. She threw the plastic bag on the floor indifferently. Amelia pushed her knees up to her chest and just hugged them tightly and let tears irrigate her blue flannel pants.

She had screwed up again. It wasn't surprise even to herself. She had ran like he always did when she was in a uncomfortable situation. She was scared. She was hurting but she didn't want show it. She had cried herself to sleep every night after the diagnosis. But she was Amelia Shepherd. She didn't show her weakness or her pain. She was strong. She was brave. She was unstoppable. But inside she was still the same five year old little girl who had lost her dad.

Amelia knew that she should tell to Derek about her situation. But she didn't because she knew that he would have wanted try to remove the tumor. He would wanted try something that anyone couldn't do; not even the Neuro God. She didn't want see when her big brother's heart broke because she couldn't help his little sister. And now her mother will be going to know too. And that was the thing what scared the crap out of her. She had hurt her mother too much; more than anybody. Now she was going to hurt her even more.

After twenty frustrating minutes Amelia noticed that her reddish cheeks were almost dry although her eyes were still swollen and red. She slowly stood up on her shaking legs. She sniffled sadly and swiped the last tears away rapidly. She took a look to outside and saw how city had woken up and peoples were going to work and doing the everyday things. Normally she thought that those things were boring and frustrating but right now only thing what she hoped was that she could just live normal life without any mess in her life.

Amelia lifted her thin up and sighed heavily before she paced to the door whence Derek had left half an hour ago. She took her grey jacket rapidly and slipped her shoes in her feet. Then she opened the wooden door and felt how refreshing air poured in her nose. She watched to the cloudless sky and smile graced her face.

* * *

Arizona leaned her shoulder to a cold, white wall. Her bright blue eyes sought to a corridor in front of her when she waited that when the brunette will appeared to her field of vision. She felt how her heart raced faster and faster when she even think about Amelia's blue eyes, perfect curls, cute dimples and of course her pink, soft lips which made her feel like she was in the seventh heaven. She hadn't received her out of her mind after she had felt her soft lips against hers. It had been only a few seconds and she had fallen in love with her. Only in a few second she had made her head spin. And every time when she just walked next to her, she couldn't take her eyes away from her. She was just more than perfect.

Arizona had a common surgery with Amelia today. She was so excited because she will see her more than usually. But in the same time anxiety grew in her chest because she didn't know what Amelia thought about her. What if she didn't like her? What if she hated her?

Arizona's hands were sweaty and her leg waggled around restlessly when the neurosurgeon turned around the corner to the same corridor where blonde stood. Her hair were on a cute bun and her white coat stressed her curves. But then Arizona noticed bags under her eyes and her peeled lip which make her look so much older. Arizona frowned thoughtfully when Amelia slowly walked closer.

"Dr. Shepherd!" Arizona said with demanding voice, "Can we talk a minute about the surgery?"

"Okay, Robbins", Amelia answered on confusion and walked to her rapidly.

To Amelia's surprise Arizona looked around her precipitately and then wrenched her to the closest supply closet.

"What the hell was that?" Amelia howled annoyed.

"Are you okay?", Arizona asked shortly with anxiety

"Was that your question?" Amelia frowned nonplussed, "but yeah, I am."

"Are you sure about that?" Arizona secured, "but no, this wasn't my question, because we really need to talk."

"Talk about what?", the brunette wondered and looked right to Arizona's eyes.

"About us, about yesterday, about what happened!" Arizona yelled nervously.

"There are nothing to talk about 'us' or anything!" Amelia repaired Arizona, 'It was just a kiss, one harmless kiss!"

"I like you!" Arizona blurted out and bit her lower lip, "I really like you. I can't even think about anything else, but you! Your soft lips, perfect smile and cute dimples! Can't you even think about what it feels like?"

Amelia felt her heartbeat in her ears, when she watched how blonde cried in front of her. She also bit her peeled lip and tried to keep herself away from the blonde's lips but still her eyes wandered to Arizona's lips again and again.

Then it happened, again; like yesterday. Arizona felt Amelia's mellow lips against hers. Amelia's hand filed to back of blonde's neck and then to her golden hair. It was full of passion when Amelia ate her lips hungrily. Arizona brought her hand to the shorter woman's back. Both of then enjoyed the moment whit every part of their soul. Arizona felt cold shivers when Amelia let go of her and settle down from her tip toes. Her hands were still behind Arizona's neck and Arizona's and were leaning on her back. They looked in the others eyes for a few seconds and then both of them quickly let go uncomfortable. Amelia groped her hair with shy smile on her lips. Arizona carefully leered Amelia with playfully look.

"Maybe we should talk", Amelia said and tried to avoid the eye connection with the woman in front of her.

"Yes, we should", Arizona granted

Awkward silence descended to the cramped supply closet. They could almost hear each others heartbeats. Amelia twiddled her thumbs nervously and glanced to a cold floor. Finally, when the silence was already palpable, Arizona opened her mouth and broke the silence: "Maybe we could meet at my place to night?"

"It sounds nice", Amelia said shyly, "We will see then?"

It was the first time when some woman has received her silent. In this time there was something special between them; something magical. Amelia felt sparkling in her chest always when Arizona just watched to her and now she was going to some kind of date with her. She didn't even remember that she was sick when she was with her. She made her feel alive.

"Yes, we will", Arizona answered awkwardly.

Amelia smiled to Arizona, who felt how she blushed a little bit. Then both of them tried open the supply closet's wooden door at the same time. Amelia felt how Arizona's warm hand landed on her colder hand. The cold shivers go down to her spine and carefully smile rose on her lips, when she created her eyes to Arizona, who smiled to her, before they opened the door together.


	6. Chapter five: The one

**A/N** Now I have so much motivation to write, so enjoy that short time between updating and of course this longer chapter than usual!

Hope you guys like it!

 **-Nipa**

 **Disclaimer:** Shonda Rhimes owns Grey's anatomy, so everything belongs to her!

* * *

 **Chapter five**

 _The one_

* * *

A bright light, excited silence, a dozen pairs of eyes, which were full of passion and eagerness and only a patient on an operating table. Blue eyes took a good view to a bald head in front of them. Skillful hands drew an elaborate line on the pale skin which covered this little kid's head and brains. Finally everything seemed to be ready. There was only the sound of quiet breathing in the OR when Amelia forted her hand gracefully to wait that her favorite scrub nurse could pass her a scalpel, which shone under the bright light.

"Ten blade, please", reverberated from the OR's dreary falls.

Amelia felt how the scrub nurse pass her the ten blade. Her fingers settled so naturally on the scalpel's handle as they had done since the first vintage. The ten blade's handle felt cold through her thin glove. It feels so natural and familiar to keep the scalpel on her hand. Little smile rose on her lips behind her mask when she carefully but certainly make the first cut on the little boys head. She felt how adrenaline poured in her vessels. That was why she loved operating so much. It was her biggest passion, the thing what she had dreamed since she had been little kid and now it was almost her whole life.

For a second Amelia lifted her look up from the little boy's pinky brains and take a look to her co-worker, whose blonde hair shone under the bright lights and make them look like they had made of gold. Arizona's expression was very focused and her in the corner of her blue eyes shone a little glimmer of passion. Her hands worked fast and subtly with the boy's liver. Amelia watched her with rapt attention. Her thoughts changed very dizzy in that second when the pediatric looked at her with those shining blue eyes. Arizona's smile made the brunette smile even more and more. Amelia started to feel more dizzy and light-headed as she watched Arizona. At the first she thought that it was because Arizona always made her heart race and her feet feel so light like she had been in the sky like a free bird. But this time she soon noticed that it wasn't because of Arizona she really felt so light-headed. The blonde started look so blurry and everything around Amelia felt so unconvincing. Everything started just face away and she couldn't even think clearly when her mind started felt so blank and empty. Her thoughts just fade away more and more, second by second. She started hear her own heartbeat in her ears. Her feet started feel weaker than usually like they could melt away at any moment. The last thing she could heard was Arizona's worried voice which asked was she okay. Then she could barely realized how everything around her went black and unnaturally quiet when she fell on the OR's cold, hard floor.

* * *

Arizona felt someone's eyes on her back, and she already knew who was staring her back. She had dark brown locks, whose lands on her tender shoulders and shiny white teeth whose beautifully showed when she smiled her most beautiful smile. Arizona smiled when she imaged the neurosurgeon in front of her. She was smiling happily and her dimples finished her perfect smile. Her deep blue eyes looked so magical and Arizona could just drown herself in them. She could dream about her all days, but now she woke up from her thoughts and remembered that Amelia was in the same OR with her. She had almost forgot that because she always fell on her thoughts when they were about her.

Arizona rapidly moved her look from the little boy, who lay on the hard and cold operating table, to this angel who stood only a few steps away from her. Arizona saw what she had expect the most; those deep blue eyes which were targeted to her. Her eyes were shining like night sky's brightest stars. That was only the one of the things which made her looked like an angel. When light shone right to her short, brown curls and soulful face, it made her smile looked even more gorgeous than usual. She was the most beautiful woman that she had seen in her life; and she was almost hers.

Soon Arizona dropped back to the reality from her dreams where Amelia looked perfectly healthy, but now Arizona took a really, really good look to brunette's face. Arizona realized that she looked so much paler than usual. Her skin looked lighter and drier. In a few seconds her look changed from so vivid to so much more passive and absenter. Arizona frowned with confusion and recognized who Amelia's usually so steady neurosurgeon's hands started shaking a little bit when she altered paler and she started looking so nauseous.

"Are you okay, Dr. Shepherd?" Arizona asked worriedly when Amelia looked like she was going to vomit or faint in a few moments.

In that moment Arizona saw the thing what was the last thing she wanted to see. Amelia just collapsed to a cold floor without any warning. Her head banged to the floor hardly before Arizona had time to arrest her tiny body. Arizona did the thing that surgeon shouldn't never do; she left her scalpel and rushed Amelia as fast as possible. She could hear how the little piece of metal hit the floor right behind her, but she didn't care, because all of her focus was on Amelia who lay in front of her motionless and pale. Arizona instinctively tried brunette's pulse from her thin wrist. It was really steady and regular. Arizona sighed with relief because she had spun the worst possible images in her head. Arizona didn't notice any yells or questions around her and Amelia.

"Amelia! Can you hear me?" Arizona asked loudly with worry.

She bit her lip, when Amelia didn't respond. Amelia's muscles were limb when Arizona gently lifted her light upper body on her lap. She just stared at her pale face without any expression. She almost jumped out of her skin when she suddenly felt someone's hand on her shoulder. She blinked her blue eyes with confusion before she turned to meet an old nurse who eyed her with compassionate look.

"What do you want us to do, Dr. Robbins?" she asked gently, but didn't let go of her shoulder and that made Arizona feel so comfort.

Arizona felt how her thoughts got cleaner second by second, and soon she took a deep breath and swallowed the lump away from her throat. She had to shape up promptly. She cleared her throat immediately and took a look around her; everyone just watched her and waited her orders, ready to obey right away.

"We need a gurney in there and you have to order CT to Amelia, Dr. Shepherd I mean! And page someone to continue the surgery!" Arizona instructed indubitably when she held Amelia protectively in her arms.

Everyone obeyed without objection and soon Arizona heard the sound of a gurney's wheel when they pushed it next to them. She felt how the weight of Amelia disappeared from her lap when a muscular anesthetic lifted her carefully on the gurney. Arizona glanced Amelia and rapidly leaned next to her head which leaned to a soft pillow.

"Everything is okay, I'm right here", she whispered lovingly in her ear, before they rolled her out of the OR.

* * *

All the way to the CT Arizona held brunette's small and fragile hand in her own. She carefully moved a dark brown curl behind her ear and watched her peacefully face which she adored more than anything. Suddenly Arizona saw how Amelia slowly opened her eyelids. Her blue eyes looked so tired and powerless when she moved her look to Arizona. Arizona felt how one lonely tear fell on her cheek.

"Hey", she whispered softly to her.

"Where are we going to?" she wondered thoughtfully.

"We are going to CT, because you fainted in the surgery. Do you remember?" Blonde asked with weak smile on her lips.

"Is the CT necessary?" she bit her lip and anxiety visibly grew in her blue eyes.

"Mm, no but you hit your head pretty hard to the OR's floor so I recommend it", Arizona declared very convincingly.

"Okay then", she said with deep and concerned sigh.

Amelia knew that if they see CT scans they will frightened and it will be her happy life's puny end. Her friend,s, her family and her co-workers would hear about it and then she will be in troubles. Everyone will look her with pity and commiseration. She will keep it secret as long as possible. And there was one person who she didn't want to know about her disease; her big brother. She knew that it was impossible to keep it secret forever, but she could even try.

"Does Derek know?" Amelia asked very anxiety now.

"I think that he doesn't know yet, but I can tell to him if you want?", Arizona offered helpfully.

"No, don't! Please, don't tell to him? He's very angry at me so he don't need more topics to get more mad!" she troubled anxiety and almost jump out of the gurney.

"Okay, just calm down. He doesn't know and I try to take care of that he doesn't even find out what happen.", Arizona told to her, although she knew that it was almost an impossible task.

"Thank you", Amelia whispered so quietly that Arizona could barely heard.

"Anything for you", the blonde answered shyly and put her warm hand on the top of the brunette's still pale and cold hand.

* * *

Soon Arizona heard fast footsteps behind her. She rapidly turned around and saw how Meredith ran along a corridor with confused look on her face. Arizona affectionately let go of Amelia's small hand and watched how Meredith stopped running right in front of her. Meredith took a look behind Arizona, where Amelia was rolling towards to CT.

"What happened?" she asked with concern, "Alex just got a page to the OR where you were operating so I thought that all wasn't in order. And I think I was right?"

"She just suddenly fainted right in front of me and hit her head on the floor hardly before I caught her. So we took a CT scan, just for sure that everything is okay", Arizona explained and groped her hair restlessly.

"Do I page Derek?" Meredith asked and already took a pager in her hand ready to page her husband.

"No! I swore to Amelia that I try to take care of that Derek don't know. I don't know why she doesn't want him to know, but I promised to her", Arizona expounded hastily.

"He is her big brother and also my husband. I can't hide it for him! He is already worried about her so I should page him, Arizona", Meredith told and almost press the page button.

"Meredith, please! I can't betray her confidence! I could do anything to make up for your actions if you don't tell to Derek. Please, I could do anything what you want if you comply!" Arizona pleaded desperately like she would have been a little girl who wanted candies in the middle of the week.

"Okay then if that is so important to you", Meredith sighed and rolled her eyes lazily, "But I want to go see the CT scans. It's a thing which I don't stretch even a little bit, because she had acted very weirdly lately."

Arizona nodded affirmative to Meredith before they turned to a corridor which lead to the CT room. Arizona felt strange feeling in her stomach, like something was very badly wrong with Amelia.

* * *

Soon they sat on inconvenient chairs in a small room next to CT room. Arizona was studying the body of Amelia's when she lay in the next room. She looked so slim and weak. That made Arizona felt like she had to comfort her for everything bad. She just wanted to hold her tightly along her chest and smelled her hair's sweet scent which had tinge of vanilla.

She was so drowned in her thoughts that she almost scared Meredith's touch on her shoulder. She saw alarmed look in her eyes which had little bit worry in it. Arizona realized that everything wasn't okay.

"You should see this", Meredith said quietly and nodded toward the little screen in front of them.

Arizona's viscera threw a somersault in her stomach when she saw the scans on the screen. There was the biggest brain tumor that she had ever seen in her life. Everyone knew that this kind of tumor will kill even the superheroes, not to mention a small woman. And the worst part was that the tumor was in Amelia's head. Now all the pieces fell into their place clearly. That was why Amelia hasn't wanted the CT.

"Are you still sure that you don't want me to page Derek?" Meredith carefully asked next to her.

"Amelia has known about this herself so we should listen her wish", Arizona mumbled incredulously and sadly added, "And I'm sure that you know that even Derek can't help her. This is the hugest tumor I've ever seen in my life."

"You're right", she sighed heavily, "We should move her to department of neurology because she could faint in every second or", Meredith didn't want to said the end of her sentence so she just change the subject pretty awkwardly: "I will go to find her medical records for a past few months."

Arizona could feel an comfort squeeze on her shoulder. She lifted her look up to met Meredith's light blue eyes which were full of sympathy. Meredith left the room and Arizona sadly watched how she turned around a corner and disappeared from her field of the vision. She drew her knees up to her chest and started hugging them tightly. Tears fell on her cheeks like a little waterfall.

* * *

Meredith walked along empty corridors and examined her sister-in-law's medical records, which didn't look very promising. Her diagnosis has done a few months ago and it looked like she didn't have much time. Meredith shook her head and frowned with concern. She opened Amelia's newest CT scans again and studied them moment. The more she studied them the more unbelieving she felt herself. No one deserved a disease like this; especially Derek's favorite sister.

Meredith increased her head from the tablet when she heard her husband's embarrassed voice behind her. She bit her lip and took a deep breath before she turned to met Derek's deep blue eyes, which were copied by her sister. He looked so confused and upset. He didn't even had time to start his sentence before he had noticed Amelia's scans on her tablet's screen. He suddenly tried to catch it from her, usually she would kindly pass it to his hand, but this time she hid it behind her back rapidly before Derek could catch it and find out the things about Amelia.

"What was your question?" Meredith questioned demandingly from her husband.

"Do you why my tablet show me that Amelia is in neurology department?" Derek wondered worried.

"I don't know, maybe it's just whacking badly. Only God knows what today's devices do!" Meredith lied very unconvincingly.

Meredith hold her breath when she waited anxiously what Derek answered to her lie. She was very bad liar when it came to her husband. He always knew when she was lying, but this time he just frowned thoughtfully.

"What scans did you had on your tablet? You're general surgeon, so why do you have neuro scans?" he asked doubtful like he had forgot Amelia immediately.

"They were just old neuro scans, nothing important", she said with her best fake smile.

"Can you show them? They looked so interesting!" Derek asked pleadingly with those puppy eyes, which Meredith knew very well, but she also knew that Derek used them only when he had some kind of ulterior motive, but Meredith couldn't help it and she unwillingly pass the tablet to Derek.

Meredith watched how Derek shook his head when he studied the scans closely. She just prayed all of her heart that Derek didn't notice Amelia's name, because she had promised to Arizona. She had promised to keep the secret safe from Derek. But of course the worst happened.

"Meredith", Derek asked with shaky voice which was full of unbelieving, "Why here reads my sister's name with these scans?"

"Derek, let me explain! I just promised to Arizona and…", she tried calmed her husband, who grope his brown hair in the power of despair.

"What did you think! I should have known if my sister have that kind of brain tumor!" he yelled at her and after that he slowly created his eyes back to his sister's scans and cursed himself: "This should have remove months ago."

"Derek, believe me I'm very, very sorry. I know I should told to you right away, but Amelia asked herself to keep the secret", Meredith told to him repentantly.

"Okay, but remember that we're going to talk about this later", he sighed and groped his hair like he always did when he was nervous, "but now I should go to talk to Amelia."

Meredith remained to stood in the corridor helplessly when Derek become alienated from her step by step. She felt so useless and like she had betrayed her friend and Amelia.

* * *

Derek felt how anxiety and anger grew inside his chest and how his heartbeat got faster and faster when he walked to neurology department. It had been his favorite place after an OR like more years that he come on to count. But he felt like he would been there first time. Everything seemed so different and strange, because only thing what was on his mind was Amy; the one who he had promised to comfort and protect from every kind of sadness and pain. She had been his favorite sister so long that he could remember. The one who had wrapped her little hand around his finger when she had been new born. The one who he had held tightly against him when their dad had shot. The one he had saved when she had overdosed when she had been seventeen years old. The one who he will love forever unconditionally. The one whose room was right in front of him.

Derek almost could feel how his heart broke to million pieces when he saw a little blob in the big hospital bed, wrapped in blankets. And that blob was his little sister. He could hear her raspy breathing and that how she mumbled in her dreams, like she always did. At the first time Derek noticed how pale she was, how her hair looked so lifeless and messy and also how her usually so pink lips were very peeled and dry. Almost all of the anger fade away in the second when he saw how fragile and breakable Amy was.

He couldn't do anything but went to her side and took her cold hand on his. He watched how she smiled a little bit. Derek smiled sadly too and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.

"Derek…" she mumbled softly.

"I'm here", he answered very lovingly.

"I'm scared", she whispered with her raspy voice.

"I know you are and I'm scared too", he said and gently stroked her dark curls which matched with his.

"Derek, can you sleep with me?" she asked quietly under her blankets.

"Of course, Amy. Any time you want", Derek whispered at the same time when he carefully climbed on her bed.

Derek took a deep breath and smelled weak vanilla scent on her hair. He wrapped his arms around her fragile and small body. It remembered he from the times after their dad's death when they had just lay on their big couch under many blankets and he had just held her sister along his chest in those cold nights. Her hair had itched his nose and he had protected her from all the bad things in the world. He couldn't even think that he could lose her in a few months. He had to save her at any price. He will save her; it was sure.

"I will protect you to the end of the world, I promise", Derek whispered, but he wasn't even sure if she heard because she snorted peacefully in his arms.


	7. INFO

Hi guys!

I have been gone for a while but now after start of season 14 I'm coming back finally! The summer was pretty busy and I had a lot of work and I'm keen on equestrian so that takes so much time for my other interests. In the summer I had many competitions but now when competition season is over I have more time besides the school. And yeah, I'm a dressage rider before anybody asks that. So in the summer I didn't have much time or motivation to write, but now I'm back with new ideas and thoughts!

The season premiere was very interesting and everybody noticed what is going on with Amelia! Before I saw the end of episode two I didn't know if I had to cry or laugh. I'm sad because that tumor which Amelia had but at the same time it is prettt ironic that I have written a story with same things and now it is on the original serie too! I feel like a damn prophet right now even if plots are a little bit different!

But anyway, I wanna ask you guys just one quoestion:

Do you want me to continue writing this story or not?

\- Nipa


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